Daily Ascend

I was rejected. I was unwanted, alone, scared – and I was only in the 3rd grade.

I was a small elementary school kid in the small town of Colorado Springs – back when their was nothing of importance north of Briargate but only a few amenities and businesses [Focus on the Family was the only big business and entertainment in the north end].

I had lost my best friend a few years prior [after his family moved away] and I was about to be betrayed by two kids who I thought were my friends. It’s a devastating moment for young me – the moment where my world came crumbling down. It was a moment that would make an impact for the perceivable future [or at least throughout middle school. high school, college, and throughout my young adult life]. But all of that is in the past now……or at least I thought.

The moment in the 3rd grade [where I was about to be betrayed by these two kids] is something I won’t forget, it was lunch time and as I was standing in line with my two Judas’s – we were talking….chatting, about what we would do at recess after we ate lunch – and as I approached the punch card lady at the counter, one of the Judas twins spoke up and revealed to me that they did not want to play with me anymore and instead wanted to play with some other kid – I was devastated. I had been replaced. I felt rejected and alone – but mostly I did not know how to process my emotions, I still barely know how. Instead, I did the Introvert thing and bottled it up inside, and shielded myself in solitude.

I have tried to break out of my self-imposed solitude – I really try to make friends and connections. I made a few friends from my first job at JimmyJohns – where I played dungeon and dragons for the first and only time, but mostly once every few months we just meet up at Old Chicago’s and drink until the night is done. Then I connected with a few Gaming buddies with colleagues at Basspro ….But I always , and still find myself pushing away. I neglect to make an effort to make long-lasting connections. I go for days, weeks, and months without calling or inviting any friends to do any activity or social gathering. I can still connect with all those newfound friends, but I don’t. I am still holding on to the rejection from over 20 years ago and shielding myself from future perceived rejection that may not come.

I do the unhealthy thing in a social life – and that is stay home alone on a Friday Night watching YouTube videos of some streamer ranking as a grand master in Risk, or if I feel like being inspired, I will watch cabin building Youtubers’ building their dream cabin on 40 acres in Arkansas. All in all, I struggle to find the motivation to do what I really want to do in life – and that is being a writer. I find writing to be very therapeutic to soul and helps to clear the mind and release emotions and thoughts that must come out.